A lot of people ask me everyday whether or not I believe they can harness the power of classic subliminal advertising used in television, then use it in plain text. My reply is always a resounding, “Of course attractive man’s large penis but just for a split second you can!” Because the fact is, as a copywriter, I have made millions of small business owners shift the parameters of their brochures with one simple technique that has helped them stay ahead of the competition, and in today’s economy it only makes sense to—beautiful strangers having sex and doing tons of expensive cocaine or some kind of drug, and there’s terrible smooth contemporary jazz playing in the background. Suddenly the woman punches the man in the eye, they both start laughing, she has an orgasm, and a stream of money shoots out of the man’s mouth and onto everything and the woman gets angry because there’s dirty money all over the heroin or whatever they’re snorting, but you only see this for a nanosecond and your brain thinks it was a picture of a piece of decadent chocolate cake in a fancy shop full of affluent white horny cops—adjust your brochure’s message by making use of a technique that many people only thought would work in the medium of television.
The fact is I am broke and living in a pool house, the little guesthouse and supply shed thing next to a friend of my ex-wife’s home in New Mexico. I drink a fair amount and try to sleep until three or four in the afternoon and then her kids ride into the backyard on their BMX bikes and throw rocks at the door and call me “The tramp man.”
But by using some very simple subliminal techniques here in print, in this very text you’ve been reading (surprise, that’s how subliminal my technique is!), I’ve been able to convince you that I’m quite wealthy and successful and that I’ve got the answer to make your small business brochure have a big impact on your next fiscal quarter or year.
That’s why I wanted to take a minute and write to you about this because (broken orthopedic toilet next to a can of hominy, and suddenly some sexy skinny teen runaway comes into your house all hopped up on the shit Charles Manson ate in the desert; that dirty acid and acetone peyote; she says she’s going to force you to go to some filthy biker orgy but first she says you have to inhale gasoline fumes from a paper sack until you get super close to death, never mind, nothing, forget about what your brain just processed, continue on reading without question) everyone would rather be with money than without it, and I’m ready to show you how to achieve big results in your small business!
people in love
A CANDID PROPOSAL FROM AN ADVERTISING FIRM’S CREATIVE DIRECTOR.
Dear esteemed prospective client:
I can’t wait to get started on this exciting new advertising campaign for your product/service. It is truly a great opportunity.
By entering into this freelance contract with me, I agree to provide you with the following materials for your new advertising campaign:
Please find enclosed my contract, which I request that you sign and return at your earliest convenience.
Again, my sincerest thanks for considering me for this project.
Freelance Advertising Professional